After 25 surgeries, 3 life threatening sepsis attacks, a leg amputation and prostate cancer nothing really bothered me as much as the amputation. Subconsciously I always recoiled when I saw someone with an amputated limb and I honestly don’t know why, I hid it as I knew it was wrong, but it still happened deep down in my psyche.

After the surgery when I came to and looked down, I recoiled in shock, even though I knew what was going to happen. Every night since for 3 years I still dream I have 2 legs, even though sometimes I kind of know something is wrong in the dream, and every morning I wake up I still have the same shock when I look down. It never goes away.

I see the same look of shock in many people when they see me, and I understand it.

I have lost a significant part of myself, as my other leg is also compromised, I can’t use a prosthetic and therefore have become a permanent wheelchair user with a visible missing leg. I’m 74 years old and have taught martial arts all over the world for 50 years, I live over my Dojo in a 3 floor repurposed old chapel so you can imagine the lifestyle changes that I’ve had to make.

I’m a strong character and can accept and deal with everything that’s happened, but the most difficult thing is still how I see myself as someone with a significant piece missing and therefore I’m sensitive to how others see and treat me. I still train and meditate in seated tai chi twice a day and teach coaching programmes one day a week to many people and have written 3 books in the last 12 months, so I refuse to hide away but it still doesn’t change that deep seated horror I have.

The Japanese say we have 3 masks, one we show the world, one for those close to us and one that is exclusively for ourselves. I’m sharing this because I know that many amputees are in the same place and end up pushing people away and making space around them. That 3^rd mask can be a lonely place, you can’t share because it only makes everything worse. Advice is unwelcome because it’s not needed, we know we have to go through the stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, that helps, but every morning I wake up……

Acceptance can be deeper than any of us think, and the reaction of others is usually only their first or second mask and they don’t realise that we can recognise their third because we still carry our own.

Amputees, you’re not alone in your feelings, I see you.