Coming round here with all your bloody wisdom, what good’s that gonna do you in a fight eh?

The 4 Noble Truths…. ain’t gonna help you in the pavement arena – when I’m banging your head on it!

And as for you Jesus with all your parables, I’ll just kick you in ’em and even if you do come back from the dead I’ll bloody well do it again!

There is only one type of martial arts and I’m it! I’m tougher and harder that all of you! If you don’t let me beat you up in class to show it to you – you’re a pussy!

As for you kata dancing fairies and your bloody bunkai’s I’d walk straight though the lot of it and nut ya with one of my street specialities whilst you’re taking your socks and shoes off!

Kung Fu? WTF is that – I see ‘drunken style’ in the bars every night and knock all them out as well!

Compassion? I’ve got compassion, after I’ve knocked you out I’ll put you in the recovery position and take your girlfriend home to make sure she’s safe.

Have you got the message? You’re all shit apart from me. I’m the toughest, hardest, meanest guy on the internet!

I gauge everyone by whether I can beat them in a fight. Doesn’t matter if their cleverer than me, wiser than me, more successful than me…. I can still beat the shit out of them so I win!

It’s ‘martial’ that means the art of war, how to win in a fight – what do you mean? ‘Budo’ means ‘to stop the spear’ yeah by fighting it FFS…

‘Kung Fu’ means time and effort? well I practised by biting ears off in the real world!

‘Wado’ means peace and harmony? well they’re a bunch of pussies anyway…

‘Goju’ means the balance of hard and soft? Aikido means the way of harmonising internal energy? – well what did the Romans ever do for us eh? I’d beat them all in the street.

The fact is that if you can’t beat everyone in a fight on the internet you’re useless and I can so I win.

Anyway I’m off to polish my camo trousers and knuckledusters and watch the Karate Kid hoping that The Cobra Kai guy wins this time round….